Reasons I may not be healthy
I don’t often think that I’m a very depressed person. But then I start talking to people or writing stuff down, and it just sounds/reads a lot more depressed than I thought it would. Which makes me think that I am actually depressed as opposed to maybe depressed.
List of reasons why I might be depressed:
1) I often feel lonely but do not reach out to others. Instead, I stay home and read about all of you on facebook and (some days) compulsively update my status to something even more ridiculous and useless. Instead, I could be calling any of you to have dinner and catch up. I don’t know what it is. When I’m stuck in that moment, I feel as though human contact is a waste. I’m on the outside looking in, wishing your life was mine but doing nothing about it.
2) I think I’d be happier if I had a boyfriend. There I said it. I don’t love being alone. And the possibility that I’d probably be a lot happier if I wasn’t single really angers me. It makes me hate myself. One of the things I want most in the world is to be independently happy. I want to spread sunshine just because. Instead, people always ask me what’s the matter. Don’t ask me that. Please. It makes me sadder.
3) I feel guilty whenever I am not home with my little brother. I am mad at myself for deciding to spend this year away from him, in the city, when I could have been at home, keeping him company. I spend 85% of my time feeling guilty. Yes, this sounds a bit self-absorbed. “POOOR Swathi, never lived a day in her life without guilt.” And it might be. But it’s an anxiety thing, so let it go.
4) I often fill my own void with other people’s lives. Hence my obssession with internet gossip, facebook, and blogging. I can’t refresh my browser fast enough. My mom is right when she calls my behavior pathologic. Truthfully, I believe this. I think an improvement in my mental health will show an indirect relationship with my compulsive use of the internet and television as a means of escape.
5) I go through periods of not exercising and not eating properly to joining the gym and being compulsive about what I eat. I don’t know how to break this down, but I don’t think it’s healthy.
6) Sometimes when you call me, I don’t pick up the phone because I just don’t have the emotional capacity to talk to you at the moment. I will call you back when I do, however. Forgive me.
7) Most days, I dread seeing my patients. But by the end of the day, it’s never that bad. Sometimes my patients even thank me and ask me if I ever leave the hospital (the answer is no). The next morning, though, I’m back to hating on them again. What gives? I don’t know. But it makes me think I am evil.
8) I always assume I’ll be happier in the future. I know in my heart this is not true.
